You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
