you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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