so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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