You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
