I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
