Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
