so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
