i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
