I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
