Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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