you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
