I can text with my tongue
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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