Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
