I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
