Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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