Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
