i wish my penis had a tongue
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
