No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
