Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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