I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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