I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
