I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
