my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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