2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
