I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize