How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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