you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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