Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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