You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
