My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
