mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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