non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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