Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
