he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He did a backflip because drugs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
