We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
