On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
