went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
