I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
