she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
