he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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