My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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