am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
