I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
