Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
