is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
