I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
