just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize