dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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