Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize