Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
