I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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