I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
