i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
