it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
