I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
