you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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