my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
