phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
