dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize