i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
