You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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