Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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