The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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