i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
