don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize
