Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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